Here I am, quite the wreck. Not surprising. My composure has been unravelling since the end of SPM. What do I want with life?
For now a quiet spot in a library with no distractions will suffice. Well, more of a private collection anyway. But I'd rather a library, so the responsibility of owning thousands of books won't be weighing on me, and I'd have a wider field of books because just picking the books you like is no fun.
Oh, and probably a nice spot and a big TV and all the episodes of Mythbusters, Ancient Discoveries, Animals A to Z, foreign movies and some instrumental music.
That's me, hoarding and doing nothing with my hoard.
Well, why am I so distracted? Three years ago I'd be mortified if I were this distracted, disgusted at myself perhaps, ashamed that I would be so blase about my studies. Reading the Genetics textbook still give me excited tingles but other than that, it's just a bunch of blah.
Three years ago I wouldn't have used 'a bunch of blah'.
I've read somewhere, most people overestimate the changes that would happen in the span of five years, and overestimate what could happen in ten. Three years, where did I see myself in? Probably some place Not Here, some alternate reality where I could actually be excited to learn things and do well and be more animated than I am now. How odd.
So what do you do? Keep calm and carry on. But I have a knack of ignoring things I am not comfortable with. Bad habit. Trying to get over it.
Also have a bad habit of wanting everything to be 'just right' from the beginning. Hence a pile of crap at the beginning is more depressing than a screw-up halfway. Trying to get over that too.
Didn't I say that I was the kind of person who knows what's wrong, knows how to get over it, but won't?
Yes, trying to get over that too, mind you. It's so easy to trick yourself.
I have to get over 'next time for sure', and start with 'this time, this time for sure'. Might be a rocky start, but I think I am getting there.
"Didn't I say that I was the kind of person who knows what's wrong, knows how to get over it, but won't? "
ReplyDeleteI have this habit of summarising all the bad habits I've accumulated, the detrimental effects it has on me, the precise reason that causes me to act that way, and the exact solution to my problems, and telling them to raimi in a 15 minute speech. And then I screw up anyway, because I don't know how to carry out my own solution.
Loubee you've gotten all of my bad traits =/ but I know you're capable of solving any problems you have, because I know you to be good at that. Good luck!
I can totally relate to that. I used to be a very diligent and excited undergrad. Now I'm a bored and unmotivated grad student, obsessed with digital hoarding of music I'll never listen to, tv shows I'll never watch, and links to blogs I'll never read =(
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